A bazillion years ago, my dream was to be a police officer. I think i decided this around the age of 15.
So many would snarl, do a puke face, ask “why the hell would you WANT to be a damn PIG!?”
Because i wanted to.
Then, life got flipped, turned upside down, and i joined a band and stayed out of town. (see what i did there?)
Anyway, i still wanted to be an officer that whole time. Aaaaaaand, well, a few more years pass….anyone out there who has met me at least once, knows that my back is a pile of shit. I was 28 when i had my 1st spinal surgery.
Goodbye to my police officer dreams, for sure.
After several more surgeries and titanium installed that helped but only for a very short while, i finally became fucked up enough to qualify for having a spinal neuro stimulator installed. Which i now refer to as, “a computer installed, just above my ass, with cables and leads up to my head.”
My ass computer tells my brain, “your chronic pain is less, your legs will now work properly, you wont drag your leg, and your posture will no longer be so shitty….but dont forget to charge me, and always keep your remote with you and charged, or you’re screwed.”
Besides still being tender from a rather invasive surgery, my ass computer amd i are doing very well.
So, i took my happy ass down the road, and i did it. I applied for a sheriff’s deputy position.
In my interview, i explained to the chief my medical issues then i showed him the remote to my ass computer, and i showed him how it works. He was totally impressed with the modern technology.
I felt good about the interview when i left, but i had a nagging feeling that Id get a letter in the mail that i was turned down because they’d likely see me as a liability.
Well, i got the letter in the mail. I was scared to open it. I aint even kidding. I was sweating and shaking and shit.
Dear Jeri, (paraphrasing)
It is my privilege to inform you that you have been accepted to participate in the (whatever number) Class of the Sheriff’s Academy.
At 36 years old, I’m finally doing it. With my charged ass computer and my charged remote with me, every “step” of the way.
Man. I can’t wait til road school. “Blues Brothers” mall scene immediately comes to mind. Hahahahaha!